Stress and Sexuality

Let's talk about stress, baby!

But seriously...whether it’s the holiday season, a recent heartbreak, or world events, stress impacts our sexuality in various ways.

Why do I feel less (or more) sexual when I’m stressed?

Do you feel more or less sexual when you’re stressed?

If you answered "more," you likely have a low SIS (Sexual Inhibition System) and/or a high SES (Sexual Excitation System). This means that you're less attuned to things that might "turn you off" and more attuned to things that might "turn you on." As in, it’s easier for you to be “turned on.”

If you answered "less," you likely have a high SIS and/or a low SES, meaning you're more attuned to things that might "turn you off," and less attuned to things that might "turn you on." As in, it’s easier for you to be “turned off.”

SIS and SES are parts of The Dual Control Model (Bancroft & Janssen, 2000), which "postulates that sexual response depends on a balance between excitatory and inhibitory mechanisms and that individuals vary in their propensity for excitation and inhibition" (Graham, Sanders, Milhausen).

In layperson’s terms, we all have things that turn us off and turn us on; but everyone has a different balance of how sensitive they are to these “excitations” and “inhibitions.” Think of the SIS like the brakes on a car, and the SES like the gas pedal.

For some people, stress may be a motivator (gas) for them to have sex, as a way to fulfill needs such as bonding, escaping self awareness, or releasing emotion, energy, or tension.

For others, stress may cause them to shut down sexually (brakes), perhaps as a way of protecting their energy or prioritizing the survival response of addressing stress over the "fun" of sex, among other reasons.

What can I do about my sexuality when I’m stressed?

1) Remember that you are normal, whether you feel more or less sexual in correspondence to stress. Everyone is different, and as long as your responses aren’t impacting your quality of life, then they’re fine and don’t need “fixing.”

2) Reflect on your level of stress (in daily life and in temporary circumstances like the holidays) to gain a greater sense of self-awareness. If you can prepare for certain stressful times (scheduled, like the holidays, and unplanned, like world events), then you can better care for yourself during those times. For example, if you know you’re more stressed and less sexual during the holidays, perhaps ask your partner to give you a relaxing massage instead of anticipating sex after your office holiday party. If you know you’re more sexual as a result of stress, perhaps hire a sitter and book a hotel getaway for the evening after the holiday party.

3) Respond in whatever way works for you, and be gentle with yourself about however you relate to sexuality under stress.

For more information on reclaiming sexuality after a stressful event like a breakup, see my Instagram reel here. To dive deeper into your sexuality and spirituality, explore my course, Pleasure & Power.